CHAPTER IV: STEWIE BARBER (and the macho dude who never was)

Stewie:

NOT EXACTLY the type I would call if I wanted a sink plunged or an engine rebuilt,

But I needed his help and I am not too proud to ask.

I first met Stewie in about 4th grade after his family moved here from I think New Jersey or somewhere back east. His parents, plus his older brother, get this...HARVEY, a real non-class act not to mention a football team captain and a wrestler and a nasty ass attitude from Hell. He also had a younger sister who was one of the biggest bull-dykes I have ever seen. Actually she is the ONLY one I have ever seen that I know of anyway, and Vinnie had to explain to me what she was. CLUELESS. 

Harvey is a year older than Stewie and I, while his sister Grace (and I would find that hard to believe since she seems the grease monkey type) is two years younger, but years ahead in the attitude department. Boning up for being a bitch dyke later in life I assume. Must take years of practice.

Anyway, I called Stewie and arranged to go to a Mickey D's in a town about 20 miles north of here...can't be too careful. You know how gossipy straight dudes are and he agreed and we hung up.

I made excuses to Zach and hated myself for lying to him, sorta, but I was uncomfortable telling him yet, and...

I was on time and so was Stewie and we walked in together, while I figured this was a safe bet and we wouldn't see anyone we knew...just as I heard,

"Well, HEY strangers,"

and I melted into the floor, and became at one with the plumbing below. Good God.  What next? 

Oh I know. Mother will walk in with the entire school board in tow and my dead grandmother. 

Okay, not likely.

We made our excuses, shook hands (or I did anyway) and Stewie blew kisses or something and we made our way to the counter and ordered our food. Having gotten that done we went to where we got our plastic silverware (so gauche) and drinks, and condiments and away we went to a darkened back booth...thank you Jesus and amen to the pastor, the choir, and the duly assembled (although I was sure some of the assembled I knew still required SOME assembly) and assorted and sundry (or Sunday) faithful. 

We got seated and I got right to the point cause I wanted to make this encounter as brief as possible without being rude.

"Stewie, I need your help,

you know my friend Zach, right?"

"Honey, EVERYONE knows your friend Zach, who has GAWT to be

 the sexiest piece of hottness I have seen in YEARS, but I obviously don't know him as well as you do although baby forgive me but I would NOT mind. Not at all."

"What you mean, not as well as I do," 

and Stewie answered in his usual 

louder than Ethel Merman voice...

"Sugar EVERYBODY IN TOWN knows you two are an item. Hell, half this side of the state does I am sure. But we all love you and that is why we all keep our distance. Out of respect. Ain't easy, cause your boy is a real hottie, honey. HOT AS HELL HOT."

I sat, not knowing what to say. I took a bite of my burger but all of a sudden I wasn't hungry. EVERYBODY KNOWS? But but, uh....FUCK.

"You are kidding I hope," I ventured hopefully.

"About what baby, about you and Zach? Not hardly.

Goodness honey, you gotta know EVERYone knows...You two are gay and together, honey?

It's as obvious as the ketchup on your fries, sugar."

I sat. Struck dumb in the prime of my life by a lightning bolt of truth from the great beyond, 

or from Stewie which ever comes first. I didn't know what to say or do or think and he caught that. 

I just sat. Dumbfounded. 

Suddenly, he moved around the table and into my side of the booth where he proceeded to '

put an arm around me and whisper...

"Oh baby. I am so sorry. Me and my big mouth as usual. You didn't know did you, Oh Dylan, I am sorry. I AM SO sorry, but it is true I know and now so do you but I wouldn't hurt you for the world. Believe me, honey."

He looked suddenly so forlorn and caring and I suddenly realized that perhaps I and a lot of others had misjudged Stew. Maybe he only shows one side of himself cause that is what gets attention, but down deep he is really a good decent caring dude.

This whole thing suddenly kinda blew me away, and not just this but Zach and our new US thing 

and now...

Yep, as we sat in that booth with Stew's arms around me, I started to cry. Blubber, made a fucking fool out of myself but what else is new. Thank God our acquaintenances from the lobby encounter had already left or I would have packed a bag and left for outer Bumfuck or somewhere equally as gross.

"Oh baby baby baby, I am so sorry, and he hugged me tighter, and I tried to get my waterworks under control, and finally did."
"Sorry, Stew."
"That's ok, hon. I understand. But why did you want to see me, you said you needed my help."

"Yeh," and I proceeded to stammer and stutter and blather and finally got out what had happened with Zach and I...and was instantly aware that this was probably a REALLY BAD idea, but...no.

"You one lucky girl, Baby, Zach is beautiful and not just his looks...HIM.

Now you want my advice, ok. HERE IT IS, SUGAR.

"LOVE YOUR MAN, BABY.

"Love him with everything you got...and he will do it right back.That is the kind of guy he is. He loves you Dylan. It is SO obvious. The way he looks at you, holds your hand, the way he TALKS about you. Why he was telling me just the other day about something you had done, made something I think and he was just gushing so proud of you. Oh baby,you are one of the really lucky ones. He just can't stop talking about you and smiling when he does. That incredible smile of his.

"Oh, and baby? DON'T WORRY what anyone else thinks, ok? I don't. Your life baby, it's YOUR life and not theirs and they don't matter and YOU do. YOU worry about your man and let the rest of this fucking world go fuck itself."

He laughed and suddenly I did too...and I knew he was right and also knew I felt a lot better about all of it.

"GOD, THANK YOU STEW, thank you."
"Oh honey it was my pleasure. I didn't really do nothing, but anytime you need Stewie you just holler, OK?"

I nodded as I took a final swig of my coke,
"Honey, I am sorry but I gotta go, up to Rockford. My boy is up there helping his dad, and I must go save his sorry ass from a sexless night with the 'rents. HAHAH," and I laughed too.
"I got one of those 24/7 hornies," and he laughed.

I thought to myself BOY do I know THAT feeling, but I kept that to myself. No sense telling the tabloid-in-chief.

We hugged out in the parking lot and I thanked him again and I meant it.
"We should have you and your boy out for dinner one of these nights."
"Oh sugar, we would LOVE that. We don't have too many friends you know. This isn't a very gay place case you haven't noticed,"
and I allowed I had, and maybe lied about that.

I drove home thinking about what Stew had said and it made sense. I also knew that maybe I had just made a friend today, and that is kewl. I wondered if Zach would think so, and then I remembered. Stew had said Zach had told him about my making something and he was so proud...and just where were they when THIS litttle encounter from sissyville happened.

I felt a pang of jealousy, and immediately laughed...sorta.


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